Hitting The Bar

Tamas accepts violence charge

2011-09-14T09:25:00.000-07:00

Gabriel Tamas of West Brom has accepted the charge of violent behaviour brought against him after an incident of violent behaviour on Sunday. He has received a three match ban.

The defender is unhappy with his actions, which he feels were 'inappropriate'.

Speaking to the press today, he said, 'An elbow to a Norwich striker is inappropriate. Rather than indulge in such behaviour, I should have gone for an eye gouge and kick to the groin. I'm hoping to get to the top of my game. I need to try harder'.

Mr Tamas is 27 years old.

Written by Sahail Ashraf @talentednet TalentedInternet.com

This Season’s Champion’s League to be the Most Lucrative Yet.

2011-09-13T04:19:00.000-07:00

Champions League organisers at UEFA have been unable to hide their excitement about this year’s competition before the big kick off tonight. The reason? This year is set to treble revenue for Europe’s top footballing body.

‘It’s fantastic, this year we’ve planned the release of a Europop version of the Champions League theme that will raise much needed funds for all the executives here’ said one official. On top of that there may even be a club auction after the final in My 2012, as UEFA have invited the Middle East’s wealthiest Sheikhs.

Dawson: "If Ledley can get away with pretending to be injured, then so can I"

2011-09-12T15:17:00.000-07:00

Michael Dawson, the usual rock at the heart of Tottenham's defense has thrown his toys out of the pram and got himself injured on purpose.

After discovering that his friend and captain, Ledley King is paid higher than him and is always injured, he has come to decision that he too is now "injured" for at least a further two months.
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John Terry is a Euro Cup win away from being an asshole

2011-09-12T09:38:00.000-07:00

Love him or loathe him, but the national census for assholes (NCA) has declared that John Terry, current England and Chelsea captain, is just one major international tournament win away from being an asshole.

Managing director of the national census for assholes told us "Big J.T has been an asshole for many years. Everyone knows it. There is little he can do to get off our list, until now. We have decided that if he brings England back the European championship next summer, then we would be happy to take him off our list of assholes."
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Ledley King signs a new one game per season contract

2011-09-11T09:20:00.000-07:00

Tottenham club captain, Ledley King played his first and last game of the season for Tottenham Hotspur yesterday in their win over Wolves 2-0. King who has faced injuries his whole career has now signed a one game per season contract.

"My knee is now going to take at least 9 months to go down. Now with that one game out of the way, I'll be ready for next year!" King told the post game press.
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Redknapp: "We have bought Parker seven years too late!"

2011-09-10T05:09:00.000-07:00

Today Tottenham Hotpsur show off their fancy new signing, last season's footballer of the year, Scott Parker. The only problem is that he is 30 years old, helped West Ham get relegated and worryingly, no other clubs were after him in the summer.

"I have bounced around the Premier league for years now and spurs have always shown their interest. They have always been at the bottom of my list, but I'm desperate for top flight football and they are the only club willing to pay me. In a way i just feel sorry for poor old Tottenham."
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Tevez: I'm not captain of City any more, maybe now they will let me LEAVE?"

2011-09-10T04:49:00.000-07:00

Club captain, Carlos Tevez, has been asking for a transfer away from Manchester City all summer long because of family reasons.

He was not traded away but now he has finally at least been stripped of the captaincy which he calls a "breakthrough."

"They stripped me of the captaincy, which is a good thing, because maybe now they will let me leave. Me and my family do not want to be here!"
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Trotters to miss the World Cup

2011-09-08T21:26:00.000-07:00

Stoke manager Tony Pulis has spoken of his disappointment that Stoke City will not be appearing at this year’s rugby World Cup.

This apparently comes after repeated attempts to enter his side over the past two years.

‘We looked at every loophole and every inconsistency in the rule book but it was impossible’ claimed the baseball-capped tactician.

‘It’s very frustrating that we can’t have a go at our natural calling’ he went on to add.

Fans call for Del Bosque's head after Liechenstein humiliation

2011-09-08T18:07:00.000-07:00

For the unlucky 15000 fans forced into the Estadio Las Gaunas for Spain's Euro 2012 Qualifier against Liechenstein Tuesday evening, the small consolation of the defending champions qualifiying for next summer's finals did little to quell the anger at such an inept performance against the group I whipping boys.

It was clear to see the rot had already started to set in after 3 minutes when Alvaro Negredo missed a shot that even a player as comparibly poor as Lionel Messi would have put away, certainly not the impact fans were hoping for from the two goal hitman.

Capello not an ogre, fire-demon, tree-goblin or bog-witch

2011-09-08T16:06:00.000-07:00

Fabio Capello has been forced to clarify comments made prior to the Euro 2012 Qualification match with Wales, and state that he is not as previously suggested, a surreptitious stealer of souls concerned with nothing more than imbibing the blood of the innocent.

"Now they understand that I'm not an ogre." was the innocuous comment spoken from the lips of the perpetually furrowed Italian tactician, although whether or not this was an attempt at reversing some sort of ancient Venetian curse only those with an in depth knowledge of the Compendium Malificarum would know.

Fans vent fury as United fail to make big summer move

2011-09-08T07:42:00.000-07:00

Despite their unusually quick start to the Premiership season, Manchester United fans have been vocal in their frustration at the clubs inability to finalise what could have been one of the most influential transfers in United history last week.

When Darron Gibson's move to Sunderland fell through in the summer, Red Devils all across the globe risked a facial handprint tan as they dropped to their knees and hid the floods of tears behind a sodden fleshy mask of fingers and thumbs.

Barcelona put Messi and Xavi out to stud, expect them to sire many heirs

2011-09-08T06:20:00.000-07:00

In a shock move set to send shockwaves through the football community, Barcelona have forcibly retired Xavi Hernandez and Lionel Messi.

The press release also controversially states that the terms of theircontracts allows FC Barcelona to keep them at an undisclosed location and stud them with suitable females.
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Match of the Day studio to undergo revamp.

2011-09-04T12:04:00.000-07:00

With viewer numbers somehow dwindling despite a recent glut of high-scoring matches, BBC bosses today unveiled their long-awaited changes to Match of the Day.

The seating arrangements are the most noticable alteration, with Lee Dixon given a fence to sit on, Alan Hansen a high horse, Mark Lawrenson has his own stone wall to point to during every penalty incident, and Gary Lineker a small tower of ivory for which to rest atop, saying nothing of value, safe in the knowledge that his England goals to games ratio speaks for itself.

Hargreaves to star in stage adaptation of The English Patient

2011-09-04T11:47:00.001-07:00

Manchester City's recent acquisition of professional stretcher warmer Owen Hargreaves certainly raised a few eyebrows, with many people wondering how the former United and Munich man will occupy his time over the coming months.

Hargreaves was recently left out of City's Champions League squad and subsequently set his status to Unh, having been downgraded to "backup to the first team" by Roberto Mancini within days of his arrival.

Capello wants steady captain

2011-09-04T11:36:00.000-07:00

Fabio Capello has said that he may not re-consider the England captaincy after the 3-0 drubbing of Bulgaria. Sources say he has decided to scrap the rotation of semi-injured defenders to take the reins.

He was quoted as saying, ‘I plan to stick with John Terry as captain for the next game, although nothing is certain.’ This came after an impressive performance from his side.

"Stoke splash out on 13ft tall Easter Island statue as cover for Robert Huth."

2011-09-01T03:30:00.000-07:00

As the transfer deadline passes, Stoke City have confirmed that they have captured a 13ft Easter Island statue as cover for Robert Huth.

Manager Tony Pulis is said to be delighted with the signing after beating the British Museum for his signature.

Pulis remarked, “the lad is pretty quiet and will need settling but we had had him watched and although he’s not too mobile his presence is enough to put off any striker. We have high hopes for him especially as he seems to defy his 500 years, keeping his fitness without missing a beat.”
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Redknapp is selling off half of Spurs at a car boot sale near you!

2011-08-31T14:49:00.000-07:00

Sunday pub teams have been chasing down car boot sale locations across london hoping to see Harry Redknapp sel off his team for cheap.

After being smashed to pieces in their first two games this season, Redknapp told the press, "We will be doing what we can to get rid of the dead wood in the squad. Apart from Bale and Modric, the whole team can go and I don't care where and to whom I sell them, I'll take any price!"
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Modric wants to leave Spurs before they get relegated

2011-08-31T14:14:00.000-07:00

Luka modric has been the talk of the summer with a proposed move to West London giants, Chelsea. A

£40m has bid has been rejected, but now the silky midfielder has come out with how he really feels:

"We [Spurs] are bottom of the league and have been ripped to pieces by two teams who we are suppossed to be challenging with come the end of the season. I can't take being at the foot of the table anymore! I must leave."
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Torres upset with Dzeko for breaking their no scoring pact

2011-08-31T14:02:00.000-07:00

The £50m pound Chelsea signing, Fernando Torres is fuming with the £27 million pound man, Man City striker, Edin Dezeko.

Both players were signed to their clubs last January for massive amounts.Come the end of the season Torres said that "Dzeko and I had plans to be the biggest flops in the Premiership. I have stuck to my end of the bargain and scored one goal last year and zero this year. Dzeko has scored 6 in the league this season already. The scumbag!"
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Sunderland offer too much money for old rope

2011-08-30T12:28:00.000-07:00

Sunderland have confirmed that they would like to offer Tottenham £10 million for Peter Crouch.

Sunderland boss, Steve Bruce, has confirmed the fee offer. While most people on the planet (including, it is rumoured, Crouch himself) believe the figure is too high, Bruce has persisted in his belief that the price is fair.

'I think it is more than fair', he told Hitting the Bar yesterday, 'Even though there are starving children in the world, vicious battles being fought by our troops, and probable financial meltdown, it is completely appropriate to offer ten million pounds for a player who can't score and is thirty years old. Next question.'

Written by Sahail Ashraf of Talented Internet. Follow @talentednet

Premier League to schedule games at dawn

2011-08-29T16:25:00.000-07:00

The Premier League has announced that they will now be adding early morning games to the fixture list from next season. Chief Executive Richard Scudamore revealed that this is due to ‘the increasing popularity of the league around the world.’

If you supported your team 30 years ago you could guarantee that if you turned up at 3pm on a Saturday, your team would be playing. However, since the introduction of the Premier League games have become more sporadic in their kick off times.

Wenger laments on selling star players and now aims for Europa Leage

2011-08-29T03:15:00.000-07:00

After their drubbing of 8-2 at the hands of the champions, Arsenal's manager, Arsene Wenger, only NOW thinks it might have been a bad idea to sell his best two players.

"We did this because we want to be in the Europa league!"
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Manchester United confident Ferguson clone should be ready for start of 2014 season.

2011-08-27T10:31:00.000-07:00

A Manchester United spokesman today broke the news that the Alex Ferguson clone is progressing very nicely and should be ready in time to take over for the 2014 season.
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Warnock happy with cup loss

2011-08-26T04:21:00.000-07:00

Neil Warnock last night insisted that he would keep to his strategy of fielding a weakened team in cup competitions, to the outrage of the press.

The R’s were recently knocked out of the Lager Cup by League One minnows Rochdale at

Loftus Road

Jermain Defoe has won the FA World Football Cliché award

2011-08-25T16:16:00.000-07:00

At a prestigious ceremony held at the Heathrow Holiday Inn last night, Defoe beat off tough opposition including Spurs team-mate Jermaine Jenas, Blackburn keeper Paul Robinson and fellow England mis-firer Wayne Rooney.

On picking up the award, Defoe commented that ‘I think it proves to everyone that I always give 110% in post-match interviews. I wasn’t pulling my weight at the start of the year but it’s a game of two halves.’

Wenger names Fabregas, Henry and Wright in team, folds arms, refuses to talk.

2011-08-25T05:58:00.000-07:00

In an unprecedented move at this morning's press conference, Arsene Wenger has named his team for Sunday's game against Manchester United.

Shockingly, Wenger named recently departed Cesc Fabregas in the starting 11, despite him actually playing for Barcelona this weekend.

Theo Walcott's book about his 'life so far' (16 pages) has been misunderstood.

2011-08-24T23:53:00.000-07:00

Standard and Poors, who recently downgraded the credit rating for the United States of America, assessed the quality of Walcott's book and career late Wednesday night.

In an evaluation session that lasted a marathon twelve seconds, the organisation put paid to commentators complaints that the book was 'pointless'.
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Wenger 'clear' on squad size.

2011-08-24T15:14:00.001-07:00

Arsene Wenger has successfully clarified the appropriate number of players he requires in his team.

The manager has just sealed the departure of Samir Nasri, ending the speculation that he was under the illusion that he needed a 'full team' of quality players.
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Arsenal defender changes his name to Kol

2011-08-22T10:32:00.000-07:00

Arsenal defender Laurent Koscielny has now changed his name to Laurent Kol.

The reason being, is that he has felt that young people in the streets of North London are not buying his jersey because his name is too long and it is therefore putting people off as they pay per letter.
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Beckham to retire in 2037 at the age of 62

2011-08-22T02:46:00.000-07:00

David Beckham has finally decided to make the decision that all sports players have to finally make, when to retire.

For most sports, players start to slow down once they hit thirty, but some great athletes have gone on to play the beautiful game into their forites, and David Beckham wants to blow everyone else out the water.
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Modric only wants more money at Chelsea so he can buy beard implants

2011-08-21T06:38:00.000-07:00

After rooney famously spanked over 30k on hair implants this summer, Luka modric of Tottenham Hotspur has been hoping for a big money move West London to Chelsea, where he will treble his wages.

Some say Modric wants to go to Chelsea, for footballing reasons, such as they may win the Premeirship and are in the Champions League, but in an open press conference Modric dispels those rumours and tells us it is all about the money.

Apparently being only on 45 k per week doesn't buy you everything, so we asked Mr. Modric what he really wants to do with the extra money.
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Ferguson happy with De Gae because he has won worst facial hair of the season.

2011-08-20T05:58:00.000-07:00

The worst facial hair in the Premiership has been a long standing award since the Premiership began 20 years ago. There have some great winners over the years, but none have won in the first two weeks of the campaign.

So please step forward, the latest winner: Manchester United's new goal keeper, David De Gae.
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Barton takes a dive a la Boxing style to help corrupt gamblers

2011-08-19T05:36:00.000-07:00

Aggressive playmaker and self proclaimed hard man,Joey Barton, went down like a ton of bricks against, after a mere slap from Arsenal new boy Gervinho.

Gervinho was shown the red while Barton rolled around on the floor crying like a baby. But a week on and Barton has come out to tell us why he took the dive.
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Mourinho: Vilanova should have gone to Specsavers!

2011-08-18T05:19:00.000-07:00

Mourinho has been slammed by the footballing world for poking the eye of Barcolona coach Tito Vilanova, but he claims he was merely advertising a possible new sponsor for his club Real Madrid.

"I was making the point that Vilanova should have gone to Specsavers. Had he have done that my finger would not have been able to penetrate his eyeball like that."
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Owen Hargreaves will return to fitness in 2019

2011-08-17T13:36:00.000-07:00

Owen Hargreaves, has recently been released by Manchester Untited. The 30 year old midfielder managed only 27 appearances in the last four seasons for the champions, due to injuries. He has now begun a full rehabilitation and promises that he will be back better than ever when the Premiership season starts in 2019.

"I have had a lot of injuries the last few years," Hargreaves told us, "and it's a long proces, but I'm training hard and awe now have a window to aim for. Eight years is a long wait, but I'm prepared to do it. My career is not over!"
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Wenger is creating the world's most beautiful goal with Arsenal. It includes 1402 passes!

2011-08-16T13:19:00.000-07:00

It is rumoured that Arsenal are finally ready to unveil their finest goal the world has ever seen.

"It has been seven years in the making," Arsenal manager, Arsene Wenger beamed, "We are nearly ready to go "live" and I'm sure we will score this beauty in the next few games."

Apparently to create this perfection, the ball covers every blade of grass on the pitch, and it involves a massive 1402 consecutive passes. For the last twenty passes, the ball is passed between all eleven Arsenal players inside the opponents 6 yard box. Our sources say that Arsenal are keeping it a secret as to who will have the final kick thus claiming the goal.
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Rooney's aim for this year: 40...Hookers that is

2011-08-15T14:06:00.000-07:00

With Wayne Rooney's new 30k hair implants, he is looking to cash in on his investment, by treating himself to even more hookers this year.

"A lot of people talk about the record books. I'm the centre forward for the best club in the world. I'm hoping I can get beyond 40 scores this year."

Rooney's manager chipped in by saying, "There is a lot of responsibility's on Rooney's shoulders, this club and England are looking for him to perform, and knowing what a great lad he is, he won't dissapoint. There are a lot of prostitutes around the country that will cash in on the focus of this 40 goal season."
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Fabregas moves to Barcelona on a free transfer!

2011-08-15T12:34:00.000-07:00

It was reported this week that 16 year old James from the Midlands was playing his favourite game, Championship Manager, when he disovered this gem.

"I was playing as the Barcelona manager and I thought I'd just bid something for Fabregas, but they returned by giving him to ona free transfer, I couldn't believe it."
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Rooney: Finally you can get drunk, swear and shag hookers on Fifa 12 and not get fined

2011-08-13T04:37:00.000-07:00

With the upcoming Fifa 12 series about to be released, main sponsor, Wayne Rooney is pleased with the new changes to the game.The new game allows the real gamer to control the players and managers to swear as much as they want. Some players, have been programmed to turn up to games and training drunk, and it is then up to the gamer to decide the punishment.
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Deaf community want to sue Mourinho for his offensive sign language

2011-08-03T12:19:00.000-07:00

The deaf community in Britain have been watching Jose Mourinho for some time. After collecting enough video evidence they believe they have a claim, that shows Mourinho being highly offensive in his sign language towards players.

"We feel Mr. Mourinho, knows exactly how offensive he is being," said the Jenny, 46 year old from Sudbury, "He is an educated man and speak several languages, and we feel he knows sign language very well."
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Mourinho admits to wanting to be just like Alex Ferguson, so gets himself sent off.

2011-08-02T12:17:00.000-07:00

The self proclaimed, “The special one” finally admits to us in a candid interview that he secretly really admires Sir Alex and wants to be just like him.

“He is a very successful manager, as am I of course, but what I really like about him, is his passion for the game. He gets sent off from the dug out and I really respect that!”
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Wenger: We can’t win the trophy that we created!

2011-08-01T11:08:00.000-07:00

The Emirates trophy was created to appease the Arsenal fans who have felt angered that their beloved team, Arsenal F.C have not won a major trophy since 2005. This year they invited Boca Juniors, Paris St. Germain and trophy winners, the New York red Bulls, lead by former Arsenal legend Thierry Henry.
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Arsenal put a £12m price tag on Bendtner for a laugh

2011-07-13T11:31:00.000-07:00

With Chelsea paying £50m for Torres, the Arsenal managerial staff thought they could cash in on these over-inflated prices. Arsenal clearly want rid of Danish striker Bendtner, but instead of rush buying they have whacked on an audacious transfer fee of £12m.
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Man City finally buys Wayne Rooney.

2011-06-07T09:14:00.000-07:00

Wayne Rooney has finally signed a contract to rivals Manchester City in a world record fee of £172m...for his sperm.

Manchester City owner, Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan, who happens to be one of the richest men in the world has finally got his man. Rooney has sold the rights of his sperm allowing Manchester City to breed little Rooneys for the future.
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Abramovich: No good managers left, I've fired them all, maybe I'll manage Chelsea myself?"

2011-06-02T04:47:00.000-07:00

Roman Abramovich has fired a handful of top quality managers in his tenure as Chelsea owner, and not one of them have brought him the Champions League trophy he desperately wants.

He now admits that “now there are no good managers left in football,” So just who is he going to hire? “I might have to manage myself,” the Chelsea owner joked, but he actually may have to, there is no one else left.
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Scholes retires because "Fergie doesn't pick me for big games"

2011-06-01T06:43:00.000-07:00

Paul Scholes has probably been on of United's best ever players, but this week, just days after a miserable loss to Barcelona in the Champions League, Paul Scholes retired.

"I've been thinking for a while about it," Scholes told, who had retired from International football in 2004.

"But when the boss didn't pick me to start against Barcelona, I knew I was done. Sure he gave me some time as a sub, but it's time to move on. I either start the game or not at all. Shame because I'm, still better than half the team here."
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Blatter: If I am the only Presidential candidate, I should win, right?

2011-05-31T07:50:00.000-07:00

Sepp Blater, current President of FIFA, is the only left in the Presidential running of FIFA, and many are saying that this governing body is very much corrupt. His one and only challenge, Mohamed Bin Hamman was suspended by Fifa themselves who accussed him of bribery. The Vice-President was also suspended.

Hamman is claiming foul play as thinks he is being set up so that Blater can remain President by being the only candidate.

"Of course Fifa is corrupt," Hamman said, "but this is why we all got into football, we are all corrupt. I want to be President and I have been bumped off, it's just not fair. I got Qatar the 2022 World Cup on my won, and I should be congratulated. Sepp is a bully and he should let someone else have a play at dictatcing this sport for a change."

All that Blatter has said in is press conference in Zurich was that was "no crisis." Blatter feels he has bumped off his position and can reig surpreme for even longer.

FA Chiefs: A Welsh team in the Premiership? We allowed this?

2011-05-30T07:10:00.000-07:00

Several senior members of the FA were left in a pickle today when Welsh outfit, Swansea F.C won promotion to the Premiership.

Trevor Brooking, the F.A's director of football development, claimed ignorance and confusion just before the playoff final at Wembley that saw Swansea beat Reading 4-2.
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Vidic was made captain for his communication skills

2011-05-29T06:52:00.000-07:00

Since Roy Keane left the Red Devils their club captain's armband has been moved from arm to arm. Gary Neville, to Rio Ferdinand and now this season to centre back supremo Nemanja Vidic.

Vidic lead Manchester United to their 19th league title this season, and Ferguson points out that it is his ability to communicate that gave him the edge over his peers. "He really is very articulate, said Ferguson, "He has to have one of the most analytical minds in the game right now!"

After losing the Champions League Final last Saturday to Barcelona F.C Vidic impressed all after the game with his post match interview and showed those excellent analytical skills that Ferguson praises so much:

Interviewer: so can you sum up tonight?
Vidic: Eh?
Interviewer: Can you sum up tonight's game?
Vidic: I, err, huh?
Interviewer: The game tonight, any thoughts?
Vidic: Well they won!

Good work Mr.Vidic

Messi: Seriously? This is the best team you English have?

2011-05-28T07:27:00.000-07:00

Lionel Messi and his friends came to London tonight wanting to proove one thing, that they are the best football team in the world. They left proving that 90 minutes later after destroying Manchester United 3-1 at Wembley claiming their fourth Champions League title.

The Barcelona outfit passed United to death all over the park, and although Wayne Rooney scored a great individual goal for the English Champions, Barcelona simply gave them a master class.

"We got schooled, " said Rio Ferdinand. After making 111 passes in just the first fiftteen minutes for Barcelona highlights their dominanace. United only had one chance on target (the Rooney goal) the whole game. Barcelona enjoyed 30 plus consecutive passes. Xavi made over 140 passes while Rio, United's top passer on the night, made just 40.

Alex Ferguson after the game realised that his tactics let him down. "Our plan A of long ball, and our plan B of 'give it to Rooney' both failed, we need to look at the game, re-group and come back stronger next season!"

Rooney: Football is ruining my drinking career!

2011-05-28T04:14:00.000-07:00

"Of course winning all these titles leads to more celebrating and more booze, but with all these games, I just don't see how I can go out drinking all day every day anymore. Cheers!"

Rooney was attempting to talk at a conference, but moments after this statement he got plastered on the free booze. Wayne's father, feels that with so many football games coming up his son is going to struggle to be the champion drinker that he has been training his whole life for.
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JT defends Giggs

2011-05-27T04:32:00.000-07:00

England Captain John Terry has come to the aid of Manchester United's Ryan Giggs, over the Super-injunction Imogen Thomas scandal. J.T told us;
"He is not only a Premiership player, but he is one of the greatest if not the greatest player Britian has produced in the last fifteen years, and if he wants to have an affair then he should. I mean that's what the Premiership is all about right?"

Alex Ferguson, has aksed other adulterers in his team to come forward so Giggs can have some support. "I know my whole team are at it, but now's the time to come forward, these players can't hide forever!"

Giggs: I only slept with Imogen to get on celebrity Big Brother!

2011-05-24T03:47:00.001-07:00

Manchester United winger, Ryan Giggs, is at the centre of the super-injunction storm. He admits to sleeping with Big Brother star Imogen Thomas and then took out the injunction.

Giggs, a married man with two children, now claims, that he only slept with Imogen because she promised him a slot in the next celebrity Big Brother show.

“I have always been faithful, “ Giggs told us, “but Imogen’s offer was too good to say no to. She wanted to sleep with a Premiership star, and I am desperate to get in the BB house. I have watched every season. I applied for the last celebrity BB, but they told me I was too boring, so I’m hoping this affair will get me on the show, and I believe that Imogen’s good connections with the producers will help me.”

Redknapp: We will not sell Bale or buy new players, we like being a one man team

2011-05-23T04:56:00.000-07:00

Harry Redknapp has been underpressure to sell his star player Gareth Bale, but he is adamant his star will continue playing for Tottenham, even though Spurs finished 5th and are now going to playing in the Europa league not the Champions League like last year.

"We do have other good players; Modric is good and Van der Vaart was a great buy, but yes we will continue to have just the one main source of attack and that is Gareth Bale flying down the left."

Ralph 47 from Enfield and Spurs season ticket holder feels this is not a good idea. "Bale is great, but we need to buy more players to support him. I don't know what Redknapp is thinking."

Abromovich: Perhaps I should have bought Blackpool F.C instead of Torres!

2011-05-22T04:43:00.000-07:00

Roman Abromovich is now feeling that his £50m investment in buying Fernando Torres might not have been the wisest move. "I could have bought every Blackpool player for that price and still have change left over!"

Torres has returned the investment by only scoring one goal in 18 Chelsea games, and Abromovich is starting to lose patients with his new star; "I know the Blackpool squad just got relegated but I'm sure one of them could get me more than one goal every 18 games!"

Torres: I want a pay rise!

2011-05-19T04:30:00.000-07:00

Fernando Torres is caliming that his one goal that he has scored in 18 apperances for Chelsea this past season is worthy of a pay rise. "I might have only scored the one goal, but it was important one for the team, and I have my improved the team, helping Chelsea land second place this year."

Torres has been far from the threat he was at Liverpool, but the Spanish striker is saying that this is not his fault. "We need to spend more and more on midfield players, and if I was to get more money then I could show the owner how good I can be, but I'm not going to do that on the salary I'm on.!"

Ashley cole worried that his trophy-less Chelsea season is ruining his sex life

2011-05-18T05:12:00.000-07:00

"Last year we won the double and look at all the women I was with, now we don't have a trophy and I can't get a date for next Saturday night!" said a sombre looking Ashley Cole of Chelsea F.C.

With Birmingham, Manchester United and and Manchester City winning the three domestic trophies, things are getting worse for the left back. "I've really lost my confidence, in fact we are all struggling.Big J.T is doing ok, but not great.It's been a terrible season for all of us."
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Rooney: I admit I struggle with numbers!

2011-05-17T04:16:00.000-07:00

After helping Manchester United win their record breaking 19 league titles, Rooney had the number 19 shaved into his chest hair. "I got it done, so that when people ask me, I can just look down and remember how many titles, I'm not the best at remembering numbers."

It is rumoured that he will have his birthday and his family birthdays tatooed on his legs, then he is going to have a season by season goal tally for his career tatooed on his arms. "That way it will be there forever and I won't look foolish when I forget thos important numbers!"

Rooney famously has admitted that he struggles to remember the most important four numbers: his PIN code for his credit card. "I really struggle with those numbers, so my agent changed all my cards to be the same set of numbers and for the 4 digits to be the same years my birth, which is errrm, wait let me check I have a tattoo somehwere to help me out."

Yaya Toure: Now pay me more money!

2011-05-16T06:28:00.001-07:00

After striking the winning goal for Manchester City in last weekends F.A cup final against Stoke City, Yaya Toure has demanded more money. "I'm on £225k per week, but my goal won us our first silverwear in 35 years, and I will be asking for a new contract soon."
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Pulis only rented his F.A cup suit for an hour

2011-05-15T03:44:00.000-07:00

For his F.A cup debut, Stoke City manager, a suited up Tony Pulis rushed back into the dressing room after Stacey Soloman belted out National Anthem. minutes later he was on the sidelines in his famous managerial kit: tracksuit and baseball cap.

"Of course I wanted to hear Stacey Solomon sing, she is a national treasure," Pulis told us after the game, "But I only hired my F.A cup suit for an hour and that was the only time I could get changed!"
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Nani makes video so Fergie gives him more free kicks!

2011-05-06T03:56:00.000-07:00

"Come on Fergie! Look at my accuracy, pick me please! I can be the next Ronaldo and Beckham rolled into one!

Berbatov confirms mafia connections.

2011-05-05T04:20:00.000-07:00

Manchester United front man, Dimitar Berbsatov finally comes clean about his connection with mafia. For several years it has been rumoured that that he has connections to the famous underground crime family.
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Torres scared to score again after "crazy pile on"

2011-04-24T02:48:00.000-07:00

Fernando Torres, Chelsea's record £50m signing from Liverpool, finally broke his duck by scoring for the West London club yesterday, but that could well be his last.

In his previous 903 minutes across 14 games he managed to not score. However when he did, all be it against the unmighty West Ham, his team mates celebrated like this was a world cup winning goal by creating a mass "pile on"
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Watch out Arsenal, Jermaine Jenas is training to actually make a forward pass!

2011-04-20T02:16:00.000-07:00

"Throughout my whole career, "Jenas told us, "I have been great at side passes and my trademark pass back to the goal keeper, but now I want to add a new string to my bow."

J.J is now staying longer at the Spurs training lodge every day to perfect the art of making a forward pass.
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Avram Grant nominated for Sports Personality of the Year

2011-04-19T02:30:00.000-07:00

"What is this? Personality? eh?" Such was Avram Grant's response when he found out he has been nominated for the annual BBC award of Sports Personality of the year.

The West Ham manger has had a tough season as his team have struggled this year, but his team have stuck by him, simply because "he oozes personality and charisma," says the clubs reception, Hollie.
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Essex under 14 star retires from football to spend more time with his kids

2011-04-18T01:14:00.000-07:00

Dave "The Ledge" Watkins, has been firing in the goals for Essex for a number of years now. Yet this young man has decided to sacrifice his career to be spend time with his two children.

Stacey,13 from Dagenham, his "Baby motha", told us, in between her cigarette lugs of course,that "Dave's just a great guy, he'd do anything for us, so I do feel a bit bad I dumped him, I mean what's the point? I was only with him because he was going to be a professional."

Stacey is now seeing numerous of Dave's ex team mates, but Dave said quiting football "was the right thing to do." His aim now is to go back to school and "get at one of those G.C.S.E thingys, everyone round here things I'm such a geek now, but I've got to do it."

Many of Dave's now ex-team mates and friends, told us that Dave just couldn't live up to fast paced life style any more. "After the games," Frankie, 11 from Romford, said, "it was all pubs, clubs, women, drugs, sponsorship, it was hectic, it can be tough on a fourteen year old,"

In honour of Dave quitting football the team have pitched in and bought an almightly bottle of WKD at their local pub, with his name and picture on the glass.

F.A upset that they have not heard of the two teams in the other F.A Cup Semi Final

2011-04-17T09:00:00.000-07:00

"Aren't Bolton and Stoke City Championship clubs?"

Asked a senior member of the F.A board in their emergency meeting today, which took place just before the second F.A cup semi-final of the weekend.

The F.A were shocked to see two teams that they have never heard of; Bolton and Stoke City, squaring off against each other in one of Britain's best loved cups.

Of course they were happy to see both of the Manchester clubs compete in the other semi, but they were very concerned that many fans would not turn up today.
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Gareth Bale wore pink strips for Breast Cancer awareness

2011-04-14T22:08:00.000-07:00

“I am trying to do what I can for this cause” said Bale, Tottenham’s flying winger ace. Bale wore the pinks strips last night against Real Madrid instead of his usual blue, which he usually wears in support of a London based sex charity.

Just like the NFL does in America, the pink stickers will be auctioned off with the money going to Breast Cancer charities. “I’m hoping more players can wear pink stickers to make more people aware of the dangers of breast cancer.”

Tottenham manager, Harry Redknapp said that he “was very proud of young player and more players should follow suit!”

Gomes: "I had to let Ronaldo score, he's in my fantasy football team!

2011-04-13T21:57:00.000-07:00

Tottenham goalkeeper Huerelho Gomes, finally came clean as to why he let Cristiano Ronaldo's tame long shot slip through his fingers,

"Ronaldo is the captain of my Champions League Fantasy Football team. Last year, I was gutted that I came second, to an eleven year old! Before the game I was in third place, so I really need all the points I can get right now."

Tottenham were already 4-0 down from the first leg against Real Madrid in the Champions League quarter final, and were clearly not going to make an historic win, so Gomes decided why not let the best player in the world get him some much earned points.
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Ricardo Carvalho: “My running style is inspired by a duck”

2011-04-13T21:29:00.000-07:00

When acclaimed Madrid’s centre back ran back onto the field tonight, after a knock, he ran very upright and with a vastly limp left wrist.

“It was nothing to do with any injuries,” Carvalho said after the game, “it’s just this year I have been perfecting my run more like a duck.”

Apparently during training, Real manager, Jose Mourhino, has been asking his players to take their inspiration from animals. During the first leg of tonight’s clash between Madrid and Tottenham,last week, Cristiano Ronaldo scored and then showed his bear like claws to the home fans.
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Benoit Assou–Ekotto was brought up playing street basketball in Harlem

2011-04-08T08:52:00.000-07:00

“It was a tough upbringing” said the left back for Tottenham Hotspur, “but I learnt how to implement certain street ball skills to football and it really shows in my game. I love to dribble, and fly down the wing. Even though I’m a defender I hate defending, and I love busting out new hair styles.

The Tottenham left back often goes back to Harlem to pick up new dribbling skills from the street but his main passion is his hair, “I try and go to New York at least three times a year. The hair styles out there are outrageous and I try and bring a bit of that flair to the Premiership.”
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Redknapp: "There needs to be a mercy rule!"

2011-04-07T07:35:00.000-07:00

After his team got shredded last night at the Bernabeu 4-0, Tottenham manager, Harry Redknapp has asked FIFA to submit a Mercy Rule.

"I think once a team is winning by four goals in the Champions League it should be over. The llast few minutes were pointless, we wanted to get changed and go home."
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Rooney has been nominated “Chav of the Year” by an online poll.

2011-04-06T07:04:00.000-07:00

This is a great achievement for me, innit” said the Manchester Utd striker, “I’ve always want to win stuff. I gotta’ thank all the hookers out there who’ ave been supporting me. I hope to win this award for them!”

Wayne now has six more weeks to prove he is the biggest Chav in the country. “I’ll be getting drunk every night now! Gotta’ get that award” he promised. “If I win the award it wil be like winning the World Cup!"
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Crouch: “I’m going to look into surgery to make me even taller, maybe that way I won’t get any more red cards.”

2011-04-06T05:31:00.000-07:00

Peter Crouch, much to his demise is a massive 6 feet 7, but he has often felt taller because “many of my team mates like Lennon are so short.”

In last night’s game against the mighty Real Madrid, Crouch dived in twice doing his versions of a sliding tackle. His second one led to his sending off which was a 50-50 ball at best that he was never going to get to.
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Redknapp unlocks the key to management in his new master coaching classes.

2011-04-04T07:13:00.000-07:00

Harry Redknapp is flying high. He has taken Tottenham from the depth of the Premiership to the quarter final stages of the Champions league in just a matter of a years.

Now, on the eve of his biggest game, away at Real Madrid tomorrow night, he has announced his close guarded managerial secrets are to be revealed in his new managerial master classes.
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“Rooney does not have Tourettes” say doctors, “He is in fact just an asshole”

2011-04-03T07:07:00.001-07:00

“It’s a real shame,” said Alex Ferguson, “we really thought he had Tourettes Syndrome, we were sure of it. The lad just can’t stop swearing! We all thought it must have been a medical condition.”

Yesterday Rooney made a swearing tirade to the camera when he scored a hat trick against West Ham. His worried team, Manchester Untied forced him to finally see a Tourettes specialist.
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Jonathan Woodgate admits “I’m not injured, I just don’t really like playing much!”

2011-03-29T07:34:00.000-07:00

Woodgate’s career has been apparently plagued by injury but the central defender has finally come clean admitting that ‘I don’t really like kicking balls I much prefer golf, I wish I could have been a golfer.”
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Gary Speed used Miss Wales to distract J.T but it only worked on Capello

2011-03-28T14:17:00.000-07:00

“It’s a real shame that the lovely Courtenay Hamilton [Miss Wales] didn’t have the effect we hoped for on Saturday. With John Terry’s reputation for pretty women we really thought with her on the sidelines he would be all over the place, but sadly he played very well,” said Wales Manager Gary Speed after the game.
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Rooney lost a 200k bet he had with Bellamy last Saturday

2011-03-28T13:30:00.000-07:00

The foul mouthed Manchester United Striker has had several battles with Wales and ex Manchester City striker Craig Bellamy, but none were more important that last Saturday.

“Basically it was a bet to see who could get caught swearing on camera the most during the game,” said the proud beaming Craig Bellamy after the match.
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"Movies."The real reason Bale did not play in the Wales-England game

2011-03-27T15:55:00.000-07:00

Left winger, Gareth Bale of Wales and Tottenham F.C caused an uproar when it was leaked today of the real reason that he left the Welsh training camp just days before their mighty clash with England.

Wales manager, Gary Speed, felt the star had turned up to training already carrying and injury, while Tottenham’s manager, Harry Redknapp denies the accusation.
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“I spat on the girl to get more boos” admits John Terry

2011-03-26T16:30:00.000-07:00

Newly re-instated England captain has found another person to give his saliva to.

Seeing as he is not allowed to sleep with any more team mate’s WAGs he decided to direct his saliva elsewhere, right on to one of England’s young female mascots.
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Liverpool’s Jonjo Shelvy jacks in football for being a porn star.

2011-03-26T14:08:00.000-07:00

“I just don’t think this club is going anywhere,” said the 19 year old Liverpool player who is so frustrated with life at his team that he is willing to give up his football career for porn.

He is so passionate about this career move that he flashed images of his member on his Twitter account for over 55,000 fans to judge whether or not he might be successful at it.

“He has a big future with us, “said Liverpool manager Kenny Dalglish “but I do not want to step in the way of this young man’s dreams, good luck to him.”
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Blater: “The world needs more outspoken self-indulgent, loud mouthed soccer stars!”

2011-03-25T01:46:00.000-07:00

"This is music to my ears", said NFL star Chad Ochocinco when hearing Sepp Blater, the President of FIFA.

The big man in charge of world football was demanding to see more people play soccer who he feels have “a God like status, are loud mouthed, earn too much money, are offensive, self indulgent, and have lots of body tattoos.”
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Rio asks wife to seduce J.T to get the captain's arm band back.

2011-03-24T06:09:00.001-07:00

Although Rio is injured and can’t play this weekend he is livid that he has lost the captains armband and that England Manager, Fabio Capello has not even spoke to him about the situation. Now he is after revenge by using his wife Rebecca as bait.

“Of course I called John Terry to congratulate him getting the armband back, but that was all part of my plan. In the next few weeks I hope that my beautiful wife can seduce him into bed. I’m sure it won’t be difficult for her as she is beautiful, and he is easily led. I just hope that the paparazzi can snap them while in bed before he gets too excited.”
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England squad plead with John Terry to not sleep with their wives.

2011-03-24T05:19:00.000-07:00

Scott Parker, ex team mate of John Terry, is pleased to see him be re-instated as National captain, but as long as he stays true to his word by not sleeping with any more team mate’s wives or girlfriends.

“He is a great leader and all the lads trust him to lead us on the pitch. As a team we have all clubbed together and asked him politely to not sleep with our loved ones. Some of us have children. for crying out loud.”
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Van Der Vaart blames his poor rating in FIFA 11 on why Redknapp keeps subbing him

2011-03-23T07:54:00.000-07:00

“That was the 17th time this season I have been subbed off”, Rafael Van Der Vaart screamed as stormed down the tunnel past his manager Harry Redknapp, who felt the gesture was rude and un-sportsmanlike.
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F.A bans snoods, so neck tattoos can be seen

2011-03-22T10:54:00.000-07:00

“The reason we have to ban these items, is that our fans are not getting to see the colourful and interesting neck tattoo art that is displayed on more and more Premiership players,” said the Marketing Manager of the F.A. This season has seen an incline in Premiership players wearing the snood, which is kind of like a scarf. As of July 1 2011 the F.A will be banning this garment, made famous mainly by Manchester City players.
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Parents of newly picked England player, Matt Jarvis, now have to look for a new restaurant

2011-03-21T16:27:00.000-07:00

"It's not like he has been picked to play table tennis for England or anything." Said Nick Jarvis, the father of Matthew Jarvis of Wolverhampton Wanderers who just got picked to be in the next England squad, the first Wolves player to do so since Steve Bull in 1990.

However his parents have had enough of their talented football loving son always calling them about football and not their preferred sport of table tennis.
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Ledley King to be captain of new team

2011-03-21T15:25:00.000-07:00

"This is a massive signing for us" shouted Ledley's new manager, part time bouncer for Faces, a Football hangout and nightclub, in Gants hill, Essex.

Manager of Faces, Sharon Tank, 56 of Brentwood, Essex is very excited about working with this England international. “We know Ledley well, from his days of getting drunk here and puking outside our club. He is a genuine talent, plus he is always injured so he has lots of time to give to us.”
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Gareth Bale wears blue thigh stickers in support of sex based charity

2011-03-21T14:38:00.000-07:00

Much of Gareth Bale’s recent success on the pitch goes towards the blue stickers on the inside of his thighs.

Some believe they help his thigh muscles recover from strain. This is not true.

Bale is in fact the face of a charity who have helped him with his on the field success this season.

In appreciation of this charity Bale wears the blue stickers to then be sold after the games, with all proceeds going to the men’s charity Blue Balls Stops You Scoring.
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Torres aims to destroy Chelsea from the inside out

2011-03-20T16:01:00.000-07:00

"Not scoring is part of a pbigger plan!" says Torres

The Chelsea strier has played poorly all season for Liverpool but he still managed to sell enough jerseys (apparently number one in the world!) which prompted Chelsea owner Roman Abromovich to splash a massive £50m for his scoring services.

Torres has repaid the Billionaire by scoring a whopping zero goals in six games for the West London club. Some people are shocked that the player can’t seem to find his scoring boots or motivation now he is one of the richest sportsmen on the planet, when in fact he is not scoring on purpose as it is all part of his greater plan.
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JT told “no more home wrecking!” as he is reinstated as England captain

2011-03-20T06:46:00.001-07:00

"Do not stick your dick in any more tam mate's girlfriends"

This is the F.A's direct message to John Terry now that has been reappointed by Fabio Capello as the England captain.

"It's going to be hard," said John Terry, "But I have to do my job for the country now, it's not just about me any more!"
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Balotelli says “De Jong showed me how to do flying kicks...We both hope we can be in the movies"

2011-03-19T13:40:00.000-07:00

The City striker has been taking kung fu style kicking lessons from his team mate Nigel De jong, who famously kicked a man in the stomach in last year’s World Cup final. “He is my hero,” Balotelli told us, just a few days after he was red carded for kicking a Dynamo Kiev player in the stomach. “De Jong had such grace and power in that final, and to then not be sent off was amazing, it is great working with such a legend, he was one of the reasons I signed for this club. It’s just a shame I got sent off, I know I can do better!”
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Balotelli to be swollen face of new drug company

2011-03-18T15:38:00.000-07:00

Super Mario found his kryptonite last week, while playing in the freezing cold at Dynamo Kiev’s Lobanovsky Dynamo Stadium. It was discovered that Manchester City striker, Mario Balotelli is in fact allergic to some types of grass.

“We all thought he was just being his usual cry baby self by not wanting to play in the cold, but in the second half he could not stop rubbing his eyes," said fellow City player, James Milner.
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Arsenal lose their court battle and Arsene Wenger buys Van Persie a hearing aid.

2011-03-18T14:51:00.000-07:00

"Honestly, I'm deaf!" shouted an upset Robin Van Persie as Arsenal F.C lost their court battle today with UEFA.

Arsenal F.C wanted compensation because RVP could not hear the referee’s whistle in their loss against Barcelona last week, due to his sudden loss of hearing.

The case lasted just nine seconds, with seven of those seconds made up of the judge laughing at the ridiculousness of Arsenal.
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After struggling with his bib, Mario Balotelli admits he suffers from a rare disease.

2011-03-17T06:23:00.000-07:00

“Many people don’t know this about me,” a tearful Balotelli told the press conference as Man City’s star striker Mario Balotelli finally came clean about the struggle he has faced throughout his lifetime.

“I have a rare condition, and tonight it manifested itself. I am embarrassed that I could not get my bib on and other than my close family I have not told anyone else about this, but it is in fact true. I am in fact stupid, very stupid! and I need help!”
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WAGs beg Capello not to give John Terry the captain’s armband.

2011-03-16T16:37:00.000-07:00

With England Manager, Fabio Capello about to announce his England captain, many believe he will give the armband back to disgraced ex-captain, John Terry.

Rio is still injured, and although Gerrard has played great as the captain, it seems Capello wants to go back with his J.T over his Chelsea team mate Frank Lampard.

But this has infuriated the WAGS of the national team.
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Fans demand refund after Chelsea’s home CL game against F.C Copenhagen

2011-03-16T05:57:00.000-07:00

"It was like watching paint dry! claimed one of the 25,000 Chelsea season ticket holders who have demanded a refund after tonight’s game. Despite Chelsea qualifying to the next round of the Champions League, by drawing 0-0 with F.C. Copenhagen, fans are outraged with how their team played.
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Spurs star mistaken for 15 year old lesbian.

2011-03-13T07:29:00.000-07:00

"It's happening all the time now," said Spurs soccer ace, Luka Modric who could not even make it past the bouncers of famed soccer celeb hangout Faces nightclub in Essex, last Saturday night.

The midfield maestro watched as his team mates were given a warm reception with bottles of alcopops and scantitly clad women who squawked and cooed.
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FA suspend referee as they apologise to Man Utd for 8 minutes of extra time

2011-03-12T13:45:00.000-08:00

“We were winning 2-0 at home, and I see no reason why the referee did not blow the whistle after 90 minutes, just like it is supposed to happen when we are winning at home!”

Said The Red Devil’s outspoken manager, Alex Ferguson
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